There are some days when I sit back and I wonder if I really do know myself. If I'm still a person or if I walk around with the outer appearance of being whole while inside there is nothing left but a gaping black hole. There are days when I feel the inklings of happiness and I force them to the surface, giving those around me a well-constructed mask that reveals a false persona that I am content inside.

There is never a day that my inner demons do not haunt me; that I do not pull out her picture and gaze at it with memories that hold a fondness and a love that has been tainted by bitterness and longing. I wonder if I'll ever be happy the way I was when she smiled at me, when she laughed with me, when she kissed me and took me into her arms and left me shaking and sobbing in the afterfolds of making love. I wonder if my heart will ever heal and I'll ever feel like me again as opposed to an emotionless doll that walks around with a constantly-changing facade.

When I'm with him, he makes me feel like I can fly.

When I'm with him, he makes me feel beautiful, for the first time in a very long time.

When I'm with him, it scares me more than anything else ever has. It envokes emotions I wish to be enveloped in, but at the last moment I draw back into the safety of this world I have constructed for myself and I play contentment when all I feel is self-hatred.

I don't want to hurt him. Every time he looks at me, I know that to some small degree that he aches. I know because I feel the same.

I'm scared of so many things. On most days I convince myself that it's because he's a man, because he is the territory that is uncharted in my homosexual-based world. Some days I even manage to tell myself that it's because I don't love him the way he wants me to, the way he loves me.

But when night falls and the demons can play, when they no longer stay in their well-guarded box and I'm just so fucking tired from classes I never wanted to take and a job I despise, I come to realize that I'm scared of being with him because I'm scared of letting my heart give itself away to someone who's name isn't Megan. I'm afraid to step away from that which I refuse to let go.

Cutting the ropes only works when you force your hands to let go too.

I'm scared of you. I'm scared of you yet I love you, my beautiful Beast Boy. Calling you that may make me appear childish and stupid, but let it make me look as it will. For their relationship is the only way I can give a justifiable comparison to the ups and downs that have defined who we are together.

And when we come together, it's perfect. And when we part the world is dark and frightening. But I always see a light, and I know you are always there, and I know that this terror can never last forever.

Someday maybe I'll figure myself out and fate will work things out for the best. No matter what I find at the end of this rode, of this ride, of this dance, I'll be forever thankful for you.